Reflections on the Woman I have loved


Sometimes, more recently these days, I think my past loves. I try to force brain to scratch back through childhood memories, as far as it can possibly go. I try to remember the initially innocent love from when I was young, when I would I would love out of some unknowing response towards her (I recall Jessica being a first crush). I didn’t know what to do with these feelings and most often I just ended up staring a lot (creepy vibes). Just being around her was hard to handle, churning stomach, the sweats, loss of concentration and particular deficiency in any ability to string together a sentence. I still remember her eyes, green,  like looking into a lush tropical forest, a deep deep forest. As far as love went, things never really progressed for me in school, even into high school when the crushes got more real and the ability to act on them more, um, possible. I recall on  girl, Alicia, who I had eyes for through 10th & 11th grade, I asked to a dance and to my absolute amazement she said yes! We went to the dance, it was awkward, nothing happened. After school things changed, the girls werent that innocent anymore and certainly I wasnt.



I discovered MOOC’s (massive open online courses) some ago. In fact, I was so amazed at the exsistance of free college level education that I actually wept. Ha. Since then I have completed many on courses on a variety of topics, such as Harvard s course on justice to Google’s course on programming, and am currently with several others. Some of the courses include the option to pay a small fee and receive verified certificates for the courses passed, and some of these you could do several courses, put the certificates together and receive mini-degrees. Just brilliant.

Here are some my favourite MOOC platforms: (offerings from a variety of UK based universities) (the biggest selection with an international network on uni’s) (MIT, Harvard, & Berkeley are just a few) (Standford’s online offering) (Google’s university, obviously very tech orientated courses)


Music is a really weird thing when you think about it.

But lets avoid thinking too hard about it and just enjoy what it does to us.

I’ve personally benefited from music in many ways. This is what I’m enjoying at the moment:






Ricky G.



I’ve recently become obsessed by a desire watch and listen to everything that Ricky Gervais has produced, and I must admit that I’ve done a pretty a good job.

His mixture of keen human observation, intelligence and genuinely loving having a good laugh himself, nevermind at himself, are pure genius. I’ve found so much of his comedy to be really engaging and well considered, yet he just rattles off lines as if they were thoughts popping through his mind in the moment. His shred-fest of the Golden Globes was sheer brilliance, where so many people treat celebrities like demi-gods, Ricky lambasted the A listers in a no holds barred slew of witty insulting commentary and introductions (one of my favourite being his introduction of Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kucher’s dad!). What a talent, and I look forward to what is still to come

Check our his YouTube Channel here.

And then definitely do yourself a favour and watch this recent release a  gig from his American tour.

I also found this brilliant conversation between himself, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Louis CK.




I have just watched Christian Larson’s incredible video masterpiece for Sigur Rós celebrating the release of their album Valtari.

It captures for me the beautiful messy entanglement of two people. The confusion and yet powerfully intentionally that pulls them together, into a rhythm is one of the most beautiful representations of the sensual human spirit that I have seen yet.

Feast your eyes here


The continuous stream of thoughts in our heads.

I wish I could record every thought in my head. But it literally be a full time job. For three people.

Beautiful thoughts. The first of their kind.
Disgusting thoughts. From the devil himself.
Hilarious thoughts. Channelling the greatest comedians of our time.
Deep thoughts. That Kant could only dream of.
Dump thoughts. Like from a movie of something.
Sexy thoughts. Born from the deepest of human passions

I have only ever said or written or executed 0.5% of them.
Is it a waste, or a blessing. Probably both at the same time.
I’d be a monster if I acted on most of them. Yet on the other hand I’d be a celebrated genius for putting the others downs on paper. Someday I hope to master these thoughts and pour the. Out into some way that proves to be useful. At the very least just for my own sake of sanity.

But for now they swirl around the currents of my mind, smashing ships against the rocks and stirring up epiphanies like shards of light that penetrate the darkness of the deep ocean. An active mind is a great thing. And a curse. It is the core of creativity and also the Achilles heel of any intellectual.

I want to tame it and let it free. I want to give in to it and master it.

Ha, the typical paradoxical situation. The tension between what I’m comfortable with and what I’m afraid of. What is good and what is bad. All existing at once.

It melds into one, undefinable mesh of consciousness.

That is the great thing of being alive. Never really quite knowing. Always mystery, always new, never expectable, in what happens to us in what comes out of us and is going on inside of us.

It’s good to put this stuff on paper. To spill the beans.

Just putting it out there,

“How are you?”

Fuckit. I don’t know.

psychologically ,

Do any of us really know how we are? Are any of us confident of how we are?
At any single moment we can be happy and angry and indifferent, about different things or about the same thing. It’s weird. It’s a human thing. We are so so multi-dimensional and struggle to grasp the dimensions in which we exist that we never are certain of the real and true answer to the question of “How are you?”

If you had to reflect on this for more than 3 seconds who know what would come gushing out. Maybe it would be good stuff. But probably not. We gush the good stuff really easily. Too easily, and with with a little extra on top so that it sounds even better. But we keep the other stuff bottled up. Thinking that no one should know. Not even attempting to process it for ourselves. Not even letting ourselves to feel the reality of it all.

Our states of being are hard to pin point. Nevermind the fact that we don’t even know where we’re going or who we are becoming (questions of the future that are infinitely complex), in all honestly we don’t even know where we’re coming from, who were we? What happened to me? What did I even say or do? Fucking hard stuff to wrap your head around.

I think we should all sit ourselves down and ask that question. Ask it until it doesn’t make sense anymore. Wine generally helps untangle our automated responses. At that place, is the beginning of knowing ourselves and understanding what’s really going on.

Weak and disillusioned but with hope of wholeness and healing.

I have just realised that I am ruined man for the sake of love. When I talk about being ruined what I mean is weak and disillusioned. And when I talk about love what I mean is the pursuit of romantic love.
I know that this will pass and there will be someone else but I can’t help but feel an awful combination of anxiety and sadness. I feel it so deeply that it fills the internal of my chest and creates a kind of pressure that is with me constantly, reminding me that it is present just as I thought I had forgotten.
I have experienced this before, even worse than I feel it now, and I am certain that I will get over it, thanks largely to the support and love of my friends. I thought I was alone, and this loneliness was driving me to find someone to be with in whom I could did release from this desperate state. I now see that this is so unhealthy.

I have hope that I will find hope and healing. That I will have wholeness that be a ballast in difficulty and a light breaking through the darkness.

I have this in Christ. I have a cast and unimaginable array of blessings in him, blessings that are a reality to me right now in this moment. How thankful I should be and how inspired I should be to know that in this moment I have liberty and joy.

May my lips overflow with your praise and may my eyes lift up to you, my savior and my redeemer.